Just about every time I used the bathroom at my old job, which is, in four years, probably about (4 x (5 x 50)) x 1.5 = 1,500 times, I used the middle of the three urinals. That middle urinal was like my urinal, like nothing could keep me from my urinal. Not even the guy who told me that most consider it bad etiquette, or else just wrong, to use the middle of three urinals, since it forces the next guy who comes in to pee in the one immediately adjacent to yours. Because hold on for a second. It’s socially acceptable for men to shower together (like in a locker room situation), it’s fine for them to listen to each other’s tile-floor-amplified bowel movements, but it’s not cool for them to pee next to one another with a 3/4-inch-thick metal divider between? We need two metal dividers plus an intermediary urinal? I’m just not buying it. I’m not.

What’s super weird, though, and but sort of actually helps prove my point, in a way, are the dudes who’ll walk in and not only say hello to you but will also totally start up a conversation. It’s like, SERIOUSLY? I’m holding my penis right now; do you honestly think I want to tell you about my weekend? Because I don’t. I actually didn’t really care to discuss my weekends with most of these people ever, is another good point, but kind of off subject. Anyway, the urinal to the right was the ADA-prescribed kiddie one, and some people I asked said that yeah, if someone was already using the far left one, they’d use the kiddie urinal rather than the middle, so as to avoid having to pee right next to someone. I mean, maybe I’m inviting these urinal chats by always taking the middle one, like that’s secret code for “Come! Chat with me! Ask me did I catch the Mariner game last night!” Who knows. Also, I don’t know if this is weird, but if I ever had to go number two there, I’d bring my book into the stall so I could get some reading done. Two birds, you know?