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Chip Shaped like California


17 November 2010  10:17 am   Comments (0)

Described Comic #005

Another stand-up. A different one. Says, “So I’m into collecting vinyl now. Right? Vinyl records. LPs. I’m sure a lot of you—sort of the new—my thing is, though, does anyone comprehend this whole ‘audiophile’ thing? Like two records per album? Like really? Two discs, I mean. Really? I’m like, audiophile? More like health nut. More like exercise freak. I don’t even have to exercise now, just—I mean cancel my gym membership, call my running buddies up and have them all over, pop on one of these audiophile LPs, I’m standing up and walk across the room every two seconds to flip the damn disc over anyway. ‘Oh hi, Honey. No. No I’m not just sitting on my ass. I’m exercising’ ” (laughs) “ ‘This is audiophile qual—this is 180-gram vinyl, Honey.’ ” (beat) “I actually tried to convince—’scuse me—tried to convince my wife this was actual exercise once. These records, listening to them. I mean we never had—what, back in the seventies? Remember? Some of you are—‘It’s just standing up and walking ‘cross the room,’ she says. ‘How’s that exercise,’ ‘How’s yoga any different,’ I go. I go, ‘What, standing around in those different positions? Least I’m moving. Leaning over with your ass in some lady’s face? Least I’m perambulating.’ I’m into big words in an argument. Perambulation. Throws the other person off a bit. Like you weren’t expecting me to say perambulating, I’ll bet. Just means walking, though. Means the same thing as walking. ‘Don’t start in on me with the yoga,’ she goes, and I go—I was kidding about the records, is the thing. Of course it isn’t exercising. I’m a stand-up comedian. It’s this sort of—it’s observation-based. You take the mundane and you turn it into—anyway, that night in bed I’m all, ‘So is this exercise?’ I says to my wife I says, ‘How about this?’ She’s all, ‘Yeah.’ She’s all, ‘Yeah. Yeah, this counts as exercise.’ She’s all, ‘Any time I’m burning X number of calories per minute I’m calling it exercise, thank you very much.’ She’s a personal trainer so she knows what’s she’s talking about. Knows the numbers, I mean. I’m good with words, while she does the taxes. She’s all, ‘Go flip the record now so I don’t have to listen to you mumbling to yourself.’ I mumble to myself during sex sometimes. I do. Sue me, you know? It’s like, well, you knew this going in.”

4 November 2010  11:20 pm   Comments (0)

Albums of the Nineties


1. Radiohead - OK Computer  (1997)
2. Hum - Downward Is Heavenward  (1998)
3. Deftones - Around the Fur  (1997)
4. Pavement - Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain  (1994)
5. Far - Water & Solutions  (1998)
6. Tool - Ænima  (1996)
7. Pearl Jam - Vitalogy  (1994)
8. Jane’s Addiction - Ritual de lo Habitual  (1990)
9. Smashing Pumpkins - Siamese Dream  (1993)
10. Rage Against the Machine - Evil Empire  (1996)
- - -
Built to Spill - Keep it Like a Secret  (1999)
Marilyn Manson - Mechanical Animals  (1998)
Sublime - Sublime  (1996)

15 October 2010  11:08 am   Comments (0)

Described Comic #004

Open on a car crash, little squigglies coming up from the hood, or the car could be upside-down, squigglies coming up from the chassis, smoke squigglies everywhere, though we do see the couple standing on the sidewalk, unharmed or at least relatively unharmed. He could have a cellphone in his hand or be talking to his cellphone, maybe she’s holding her elbow like she bruised it, or her shoulder. Shaken up indeed and yet alive!! Show the airbags deployed. On a lamppost in the distance have a poster saying LOST DOG! REWARD: THE DOG ITSELF. “Thank God we had our belts on,” all sober, to his cellphone. “How the kids? The kids asleep?” So we know the kids are fine. Called a sitter for a dinner date. Young couple, maybe thirty, thirty-one. Well dressed, hair done.

12 October 2010  5:43 pm   Comments (0)


who they seem. Once, drunk, at a wedding, my
wife swore to another couple that I
was Jim Morrison’s exact double. But
I was drunk too, so I just stood there and
grinned, like Hey, whatever. Who cares, right? The
couple hemmed and squinted and stared at me,

searching for Mr. Mojo. They asked me,
“Who does she look like?” And I’m like, “Who, my
wife?” They might’ve chuckled but clearly the
both of them had better things to do. I
certainly did—here we’re in St. Kitts and
Nevis, green turtles and trumpetfish, but

I’m stuck in a church slugging flask booze. But
that’s not—I mean airfare alone cost me
$1900, coach, three stops, and
we had to share a hotel room with my
sister and her Tufts-bound boyfriend, who I
swear looks like the guy from Entourage—the

thuggish one who smokes and wears hats. And the
two of them being oh-so-quiet, but
still not quiet enough. Anyway, I
look nothing like Jim Morrison. Ask me
another. Ask me my wife’s name. All my
fantasies involve other women and

not one of them will ever happen. And
not one of them—and in the cab to the
hotel, after the reception, blitzed, my
sister tried to sing me a Doors song but
couldn’t remember the lyrics. “Show me
the wa-ay to the next lit-tle girl,” I

crooned, glancing back at my wife. Leering. I
couldn’t make out her expression, though, and
so I shut my eyes and drifted some. Me
with my occasional carsickness, the
road like an old mattress—I drifted. But
when we arrived back at the hotel, my

sister and my wife, the boyfriend, plus the
driver—not one of them said a word, but
just stared at me. Fuck it. I reached for my

7 October 2010  9:19 pm   Comments (0)

Food Value of a Coconut


25 September 2010  9:35 am   Comments (0)

Jonathan Franzen’s “Freedom”

13 September 2010  9:05 pm   Comments (1)

Rafting down the San Lorenzo

25 July 2010  4:34 pm   Comments (1)

Great Idea #005

Xxxx \ ʒʒʒʒ \ n: any word that rhymes with the word in question

For example, a xish means or refers to any word that rhymes with fish. Dish is a xish, for example, as are swish and Gish. Telephone is a xelephone. Shoe is a xhoe where through is a xough, but bough is a xough, and cow, of course, is a xow. All xxxxs (e.g. xish, xelephone, etc.) start with ‘X,’ which ‘X’ is pronounced ‘ʒ,’ i.e. a voiced palato-alveolar fricative, e.g. the ‘S’ in Asia or casual. Casual is a xasual, which is fun. Gearbox is a xerox* (NB the lower-cased ‘X’ (Xerox is also a xerox)), and if there were such a thing as a xenophobia aside from xenophobia, it would look the same in print and/or on screen as xenophobia, but would be pronounced differently. Xxxx is spelled with four ‘X’s to avoid confusion with xxx, which has connotations. As far as pronunciation goes, the duration or extension of the ʒ is sort of up to the speaker.

*A near-xerox, actually.

22 June 2010  11:56 pm   Comments (0)

California Northern Magazine: A New Regionalism

California Northern Magazine is a biannual publication exploring the region’s cultures, environments, histories, and identities. It provides a rare California-based forum for exceptional essays, long-form journalism, literature, and photography, and distinguishes itself from traditional regional media by balancing its local emphasis with a level of sophistication and depth typically found in larger national publications.


7 June 2010  6:57 pm   Comments (0)

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